I'm just gonna go ahead and use this blog like most teenagers on the internet use their blogs for a few seconds, and pretty much act like a whiny bitch, so bear with me here.
I'm just feeling a bit shitty today, I suppose, because unfortunately, I can't fucking being a ray of goddamn uncaring sunshine all day. But that's really fucking non-specific, so I'll indulge you. I just am so fucking TIRED of being a female. It sucks so much, because there's pretty much no way to not feel like I'm having an existential crisis whenever I think that. Because there's nothing fucking wrong with being female, in fact being a girl has some pretty nice advantages. I just hate being in this body and I feel like a kid again, and I think about how I cried when I found out I could never REALLY be a boy, which just made me feel like a dumbass because I thought boys shouldn't be cry babies in the first fucking place, which is dumb because men have tear glands too. I just get so worn out and so rough around the edges when people look at me a female. Even one of my new friends whom I thought was pretty cool sees me as a female, and he seems to think I'm deflective because I don't think I'm a pretty enough princess or something when really I'm a guy and I don't really appreciate him talking about my"feminine body" to my ex, who really doesn't appreciate it either.
I just fucking want to get my surgery and shave my head and be able to walk around and not be self conscious about all this female anatomy. And maybe not get hit on by guys? Because that kind of offends me, which is fucking dumb. It's just a fucking vicious circle. I get mad at guys for hitting on me, because they see me as a girl and that's emasculating as shit, and then I get mad at myself because there's nothing degrading about being female. I feel like a dumbass jock who pushes away the gay kid he is friends with because he's afraid that just because the other guy is a homosexual, he wants to hit on him, which is pretty fucking untrue. But then it's like, maybe I'm scared of that because I've seen how guys treat girls and I don't want to be treated that way? Because it's pretty fucking awful how some dudes treat women, like we're still in Biblical times where someone can be stoned for wearing clothes made of two different fabrics. I don't fucking know, I guess I'm just always thinking about this and maybe that's why I get down like this. I dunno, fuck. I should probably just tell that whole group that I'm transgendered already, because this is just getting ridiculous. It's just a weird conversation to have with someone, and I've already had to explain it to a couple people and it's just weird. I guess I could just hide behind text like I usually do, at least I'll sound less like a dumbass and like I actually have more than vocabulary that consists mostly of the word "uh". But, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and cut this wonderful fucking pity party short and say goodnight, because I should really be sleeping, since I have class at eight tomorrow.
I'm just feeling a bit shitty today, I suppose, because unfortunately, I can't fucking being a ray of goddamn uncaring sunshine all day. But that's really fucking non-specific, so I'll indulge you. I just am so fucking TIRED of being a female. It sucks so much, because there's pretty much no way to not feel like I'm having an existential crisis whenever I think that. Because there's nothing fucking wrong with being female, in fact being a girl has some pretty nice advantages. I just hate being in this body and I feel like a kid again, and I think about how I cried when I found out I could never REALLY be a boy, which just made me feel like a dumbass because I thought boys shouldn't be cry babies in the first fucking place, which is dumb because men have tear glands too. I just get so worn out and so rough around the edges when people look at me a female. Even one of my new friends whom I thought was pretty cool sees me as a female, and he seems to think I'm deflective because I don't think I'm a pretty enough princess or something when really I'm a guy and I don't really appreciate him talking about my"feminine body" to my ex, who really doesn't appreciate it either.
I just fucking want to get my surgery and shave my head and be able to walk around and not be self conscious about all this female anatomy. And maybe not get hit on by guys? Because that kind of offends me, which is fucking dumb. It's just a fucking vicious circle. I get mad at guys for hitting on me, because they see me as a girl and that's emasculating as shit, and then I get mad at myself because there's nothing degrading about being female. I feel like a dumbass jock who pushes away the gay kid he is friends with because he's afraid that just because the other guy is a homosexual, he wants to hit on him, which is pretty fucking untrue. But then it's like, maybe I'm scared of that because I've seen how guys treat girls and I don't want to be treated that way? Because it's pretty fucking awful how some dudes treat women, like we're still in Biblical times where someone can be stoned for wearing clothes made of two different fabrics. I don't fucking know, I guess I'm just always thinking about this and maybe that's why I get down like this. I dunno, fuck. I should probably just tell that whole group that I'm transgendered already, because this is just getting ridiculous. It's just a weird conversation to have with someone, and I've already had to explain it to a couple people and it's just weird. I guess I could just hide behind text like I usually do, at least I'll sound less like a dumbass and like I actually have more than vocabulary that consists mostly of the word "uh". But, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and cut this wonderful fucking pity party short and say goodnight, because I should really be sleeping, since I have class at eight tomorrow.
