Fuck

I was just watching this video and towards the end I kind of choked a little, because that is EXACTLY what it feels like to have everyone around you call you a freak for something that you just ARE. It is just as stupid and hateful and fills you with just as much anger as the situation in this video does. They did a very good job of conveying how ridiculous it is that this is even an issue! This stings because I still don't have it in me to tell my friends that I am trans because I am pretty sure that I'll only be accepted by one of them. I came SO close to telling one of them, but I couldn't because I knew that I would have to defend my very being against his views and his lack of understanding. This stings because I probably won't even tell my family until after I get my top surgery. And it stings because in many states you can legally be fired for not being heterosexual and for not fitting into the gender binary. It stings because only one politician has recognized that trans people exist and that we are fighting for our rights and I'm frankly surprised that it happened at all. I'm just upset about American society and I hope they shape the fuck up.

Creep

I'm sure everyone has heard a friend say "That guy's a creep!" at some point in their life. That is because of how often people (most likely women and openly gay men) are harassed or just made uncomfortable my a man. I myself have experienced several creeps since I reached puberty. Ever since I was about twelve men have honked their horns or wolf whistled or shouted at me from their cars as I walk down the street, both alone and when I was with females. Being a tough kid with a lot of anger and no where to direct it, I dealt with it by screaming "ASSHOLE!" at the passing cars or simply flipping them off. Some of the girls I grew up with would just feel creeped out and mention hating when that happens, but they did not share my enthusiasm for letting those passing weirdos know that you just can't do that. The reason behind that mentality is explained in these articles as well as some personal accounts from women who have been harassed and explanations on how not to be a creep yourself! Even if you think you may not be a creep, you could be acting like one! Even I noticed that I tend to do some of the things creeps do because of a fear of rejection. This is a good list of articles that can help raise awareness about how much women are objectified and how they are often shot down for being concerned about it by people who have never experienced it first hand! Everyone should do themselves a favor and read them.

Equality, Please

So today a friend of mine sent me this video and since I haven't written for this blog in a while, I thought I'd make a post about it. This video nearly brought me to tears because I could relate to it so much. I haven't had a lot of direct confrontations with homophobes in my life, but the ones I have had made me so angry and when the anger subsided, hurt. I remember the first time I ever had to come out to someone was in my Freshman year. At the time I was still getting to know myself, but I knew I was somewhere in the queer spectrum and I knew that people out there would hate me for it, because I had to put up with my dad telling me that homosexuals were evil ever since I asked him about his views in seventh grade. I was thirteen, and I had my father indirectly tell me that I was a bad person because I liked girls, and I unfortunately still do have to put up with it. And surprisingly, when I made a new friend in a science class, I was fearless about coming out to him, probably for good reason. He accepted me for who I was and it was great. Unfortunately, the stereotypical lug of a jock felt differently. He said that I was gross and a sinner and yadda yadda yadda. Fortunately, this was not my first run-in with bullying, so I knew how to handle the situation. He was bigger than me, and I couldn't be sure that I could hit him without being hit back because I was a "girl" so I chose to give him a good verbal lashing. I insulted his intelligence, his religion, his family, and the way that he chose to jump through societies' hoops of conformity all without getting in trouble with my teacher, somehow. I felt better afterwards, but I still felt shitty that someone again, thought I was a bad person because of my sexuality. 

It sucks to have people, whether they have known you all your life, or if you have just met them, tell you that you have committed a sin for being who you are. But we have to stand up with the weight of people's prejudices and the wounds from their careless words. Whether you are thirteen or nineteen, you have to be brave and go out everyday being who you are and hope that no one calls you names, or says you're wrong, or crazy, or goes further and tries to hurt you. And no one should have to go through that, because there is no meaning in it. It makes you stronger, but it also makes you bitter and if it weren't for their twisted morals, you wouldn't have to be strong against that kind of treatment. I look forward to the fast coming future where it's okay to be in the queer spectrum and the next generation is ready to right the next injustice and ready to make another set of second class citizens feel welcome and appreciated and give them rights. I look forward to the day I can be recognized as a male without having to go through years of therapy to prove who I am and when sexual reassignment surgery is covered by every insurance policy under the sun. And when I can get married to a woman, and when people won't make it a hassle for same sex couples to adopt. I look forward to a day when we are "normal" and when "queer" and "cis-gendered" alike stop being words each side uses to hurt each other. Because being queer isn't bad and neither is being cis-gendered, it's just who we all are.

Uncharacteristically, non-Alice in Wonderland related title 2

Oh look, I'm actually going to be active with this thing again. And again it's about something that really hits close to home for me.

Today on Tumblr I found this and I pretty much just lost my shit in one part sadness and empathy and one part white hot rage. To start out, I don't like dress codes based on gender at all. Women worked for fucking years to be get out of the oppressive thoughts and attitudes that the general population had about them and this just fucking throws the damn thing back to the dark ages. There are all kinds of people, some girls like skirts, some prefer pants, and it's their goddamn choice whether they want to wear them or not. And the same with men. I know that we're still in this fucking machismo mind set, but I know there are guys who just like to wear women's clothing. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

Now, with that said. It really ticks me off that when this kid James went to his principal, he just fucking blew him off. "Oh that's so brave of you. But no, we only care about how many Y chromosomes you have. Just wear the skirt."  This kid is only fifteen and he is just getting fucked by society because they don't fucking understand him. Why the fuck should he need a note from a shrink to say who he is? It it tearing him up inside to have to put on the damn skirt and I understand why. It's because he is constantly bombarded with things telling him that he needs to be a girl and that he should just fucking give up and be who they want him to be. And that motherfucking skirt is a symbol of that. And every time he puts that skirt on it feels like giving up, so I understand why he doesn't want to go to school. I've fucking been there. Except, instead of some authority figure, it's been my mom, or my friends, or people I thought I loved.

I don't have a whole lot of people who understand me, but it fucking helps when they feel as adamantly about this as I do. Just now I sent the link to my friend and she was fucking livid. She ranted at me and made me feel like a real fucking person. She admitted that she doesn't fully understand because she can't feel the way I feel, but she pretty much voiced a lot of things I wish everyone could get through their heads. She said that as an outsider you can't always wrap your head around it, but that you TRY because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, because a transgender is the gender they say they are. 

I'm only slightly embarrassed to say that I literally shed tears when I saw how strongly she felt about this, and how strongly she supported me. But then I remember that she treats me more like a guy than some of my close friends who know about my being trans, so then I give no fucks and I just sniffle a little and thank every deity under the sun that I stumbled upon this wonderful girl and this is turning into an appreciation post about how great she is, so I'm going to shut up before I make a fool out of myself.

So yeah, fuck. I understand, bro. You are not alone. I care and I want other people to care before even one more of us end up dead or even with a goddamned scrapped knee because the neighborhood kids were chasing them calling them names.

Uncharacteristically, non-Alice in Wonderland related title

I'm just gonna go ahead and use this blog like most teenagers on the internet use their blogs for a few seconds, and pretty much act like a whiny bitch, so bear with me here.

I'm just feeling a bit shitty today, I suppose, because unfortunately, I can't fucking being a ray of goddamn uncaring sunshine all day. But that's really fucking non-specific, so I'll indulge you. I just am so fucking TIRED of being a female. It sucks so much, because there's pretty much no way to not feel like I'm having an existential crisis whenever I think that. Because there's nothing fucking wrong with being female, in fact being a girl has some pretty nice advantages. I just hate being in this body and I feel like a kid again, and I think about how I cried when I found out I could never REALLY be a boy, which just made me feel like a dumbass because I thought boys shouldn't be cry babies in the first fucking place, which is dumb because men have tear glands too. I just get so worn out and so rough around the edges when people look at me a female. Even one of my new friends whom I thought was pretty cool sees me as a female, and he seems to think I'm deflective because I don't think I'm a pretty enough princess or something when really I'm a guy and I don't really appreciate him talking about my"feminine body" to my ex, who really doesn't appreciate it either.

I just fucking want to get my surgery and shave my head and be able to walk around and not be self conscious about all this female anatomy. And maybe not get hit on by guys? Because that kind of offends me, which is fucking dumb. It's just a fucking vicious circle. I get mad at guys for hitting on me, because they see me as a girl and that's emasculating as shit, and then I get mad at myself because there's nothing degrading about being female. I feel like a dumbass jock who pushes away the gay kid he is friends with because he's afraid that just because the other guy is a homosexual,  he wants to hit on him, which is pretty fucking untrue. But then it's like, maybe I'm scared of that because I've seen how guys treat girls and I don't want to be treated that way? Because it's pretty fucking awful how some dudes treat women, like we're still in Biblical times where someone can be stoned for wearing clothes made of two different fabrics. I don't fucking know, I guess I'm just always thinking about this and maybe that's why I get down like this. I dunno, fuck. I should probably just tell that whole group that I'm transgendered already, because this is just getting ridiculous. It's just a weird conversation to have with someone, and I've already had to explain it to a couple people and it's just weird. I guess I could just hide behind text like I usually do, at least I'll sound less like a dumbass and like I actually have more than vocabulary that consists mostly of the word "uh". But, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and cut this wonderful fucking pity party short and say goodnight, because I should really be sleeping, since I have class at eight tomorrow.

Who are you?

I just thought I'd direct your eyes and thoughts to something that I think is pretty great. It's a little story I found over on Tumblr about gender issues and children. 

 I am pretty jealous of these kids, because never in the time that I have been in school have any of my teachers touched upon the subject of gender boundaries. This is so unbelievably stupid that I can't really wrap my brain around how this is even possible. This teacher has the right idea, by teaching children from a young age that they can't have these 1950's idea of genders, it saves these kids a lot of self hatred and hatred from other people. 

 I personally spent most of elementary school feeling ostracized  for dressing and acting like a boy, even from my best friend. Actually I still feel that from him and it's kind of frustrating, but that is neither here nor there. It wasn't until third grade that I started to feel like I wasn't the weirdest kid in the whole school. That's when I met my friend T. She, like me, identified herself with the male gender and faced the same relentless teasing and got into twice as many fights over it. T and I spent most of our childhoods taking care of each other and making a little family for ourselves, and even today I tend to call her "Dad" and she calls me "son". Having T as a role model helped me get through things that tore other kids up inside, pretty easily. Realizing that I liked girls, for example, I didn't have any kind of huge life changing realization or anything, it just kind of clicked because my first crush was The Little Mermaid and I happened to really want to kiss this girl in my class.

 It was not as easy for other kids in this big, bad world. You always hear about kids being bullied into depression and suicide because they are homosexual, or transgendered. Even if a kid isn't pushed that far, being bullied can really harden a kid's heart, but it can also make them push overs, vulnerable kids that will do anything if they think someone will hurt them if they don't. If teachers and parents would just touch on this subject, and make it clear that there does not have to be a huge wall between the genders, it would be one less thing that kids get bullied over and one less thing that kids will beat themselves up over.